Whispers To An Empty Wind
by Rule1thedoctorlies
Summary: John and Sherlock haven't spoken for years. After Sherlock returned from the dead John was already engaged to be with Mary... Sherlock tried to tell john how he felt, but at that point it was too late... Now something awful has happened and the only person who can make it better is Sherlock.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

Two months, five days, seven hours, three minutes, and thirty four seconds since Sherlock has been back from the dead – not that John has been counting or anything. He has and that's the problem. Mary is worried, but Mary always worries about him. He's _fine_ can't they see that? Sometimes he wonders if he's actually fine or if he's just telling himself a lie to get through it all. He doesn't eat... he rarely sleeps... and he doesn't talk much... but then again he was like this before Sherlock came back.

He told himself once that if Sherlock ever returned from the dead he would be better... happy even, but now he was just more depressed then he already was. He was angry with him because he was getting better! Slowly... so very slowly, but he was getting there. And Mary – bless her heart – was helping him, but then Sherlock showed up and ruined everything. For two weeks he didn't talk to him, but he supposed he couldn't stay away forever. Sherlock was his drug and as much as he hates to admit it he needs him.

So now... here they are... alone at Baker Street and Sherlock was staring at him. He wouldn't stop staring and the silence was deafening. John doesn't really know how to tell him and Sherlock was apparently content on staring at him. Sherlock did a lot of that lately, but John doesn't understand why. John looks down because he can't stand it any longer... and maybe that's why Sherlock did it... he doesn't know, but then again John doesn't really know anything nowadays.

Finally, John looks up and opens a small box, "I'm going to ask her to marry me..." He hands the ring to Sherlock so that he can look at it. Sherlock's face twitches into something that John has never seen before, but before he can figure out what it is... it's gone. John sighs and looks away again.

Sherlock swallows hard and stares at the box. He can't figure out how to make his mouth work, but eventually he does. "It's lovely, John. I'm sure she'll love it." He says quietly and looks at him. He won't stop looking. If he stops John will slip away, but John's already gone.

~O~

John's livid with Sherlock. He's yelling at him and screaming at him and he knows it's irrational, but he can't help it. They were on a case and Sherlock had run off alone, like he always does, but its different now. He can't keep doing this! Only this time he managed to get a bad bruise on his head from when the person they were chasing hit him with a golf club. He's fine... of course he's fine, but that doesn't mean it doesn't scare the daylights out of John.

Sherlock blacked out for ten seconds and John was sobbing and holding him in his arms when he finally woke up. John should have been mortified that Sherlock saw him like that, but he wasn't. And now they were currently in the middle of the living room at Baker Street and John was just screaming at Sherlock.

Sherlock let him. He would always let him. John hadn't shown any sense of anger or sadness since the night he returned. He was just silent most of the time and Sherlock wasn't an expert, but he's fairly certain that that isn't healthy.

"YOU COULD HAVE DIED! AGAIN! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE BLOODY HELL THAT WOULD HAVE DONE TO ME? OH NO BECAUSE YOU'RE SHERLOCK HOLMES AND YOU ALWAYS ONLY THINK ABOUT YOURSELF!" John tries to stop, he really did, but he couldn't and everything hurt. The three years Sherlock was away broke him and he doesn't know if he would ever be the same again.

Sherlock swallows and looks at him, "I'm sorry..." Was that what you were supposed to say? Apparently it was the wrong thing because John screams loudly and shoves him up against the wall. He groans a bit in pain because he was not expecting that and looks down at his angry friend.

"Sherlock. So fucking help me I do not need you to speak right now! Do you understand that? Are you capable of being silent for three bloody minutes?" He spits.

He was so close... so close and Sherlock couldn't breathe so he just nodded, but that works out just fine because John doesn't want him to talk anyway.

John growls and shoves him harder, "ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO LISTEN TO ME?" John doesn't know what he was saying... he is just hurting so much. Nothing made sense and he felt like he was about to explode.

"John..." Sherlock whispers and swallows, "I don't know what you want from me... please... I'm sorry..."

"Right..." John scoffs and shakes his head. He paused for a second and then suddenly mashes his mouth against Sherlock's.

Sherlock melts and kisses him back with everything he has. There's still hope and he wasn't about to let go just yet.

~O~

Four months, twenty four days, two hours, six minutes, and eighteen seconds since Sherlock has been back. John stares up at the door to Baker Street and contemplates on knocking for a long while. Eventually he slowly lifts his hand and knocks on the door... He has a key, but he doesn't live there anymore... it isn't right to just barge in like that. Not after... no. He didn't want to think about that...

Mrs. Hudson answers and smiles as she takes him into her arms. He smiles tightly and hugs her back. His brain is still whirling, but he does care about Sherlock so he needs to do this. He slowly pulls away and walks up the seventeen steps. He hasn't seen or spoken to Sherlock since... their fight... yes, let's call it a fight.

He pushes the door open and it creaks. John wishes it didn't because he doesn't want Sherlock to know he is there – though he supposes Sherlock would find out anyway and in order for him to do what he needs to do... Sherlock needs to be present. He walks around the corner and Sherlock is in the process of setting something on fire. John blinks when he realises it was one of his jumpers – or what was left of it. "Excuse you."

Sherlock doesn't look up, "You were gone. I saw my opportunity. You don't live here anymore, John, so if you really wanted it you would have taken it with you." He grumbles some and keeps burning it.

John sighs as he leans up against the wall, "Right. Well, I came here to ask you something." He says softly.

"Whatever could you possibly ask me? You've already taken everything." He says dryly and John thinks he can strangle him.

"Jesus! Sherlock!" He groans and scrubs his face, "Can we not talk about that?"

Sherlock was silent for a long moment before he finally looks up at him, "I think we should..." He whispers quietly and fiddles with the half burnt jumper.

"And I think we shouldn't," John grumbles and narrows his eyes, "Anyway... I care about you–"

Sherlock mumbles something under his breath, but John just pushes on.

"–I actually do despite what you may think... and I know this is a lot to ask, but I was wondering if maybe you would like to be my best man?" John looks at him and bites his lip. He knows it's a long shot, but there is no one else John wants to be his best man besides Sherlock.

Sherlock just stares at him and then John can see his jaw clench. He's angry and John looks away, "Are you fucking serious?" Sherlock growls after what felt like hours of silence.

John swallows down the lump in his throat and nods once, "Yes... I don't want anyone else to–"

"WELL FIND SOMEONE!" He shouts and throws his tea cup across the room. It almost hits John, but he's managed to dodge it. It hits the wall behind him instead and shatters.

"Sherlock... you're being a bit dramatic." He grumbles and then huffs.

"Dramatic..." Sherlock echoes and just blinks at John, "We had sex and you think I'm being dramatic?" He growls.

John flinches at Sherlock's words and swallows hard, "Sherlock... I said I don't want to talk about it... it was a mistake..."

Sherlock walks right up to John and shoves him up against the wall, "Feel familiar? Oh wait... I remember. You weren't in this position last time, were you? I know why don't we switch roles?" He clears his throat and makes it go a tiny bit higher, "'Oh my god... Sherlock... you're so tight!'" He groans softly. "'I'm sorry... I'm so sorry! I love you so much... you just made me so angry when you left and now you're back and I promise never to leave you again... I'll move back into Baker Street and we can be together just like before!'" Sherlock whimpers and then everything slips away and his eyes harden.

John glares up at him because he can't do this right now! "Your arse was around my cock. People say things they don't mean all the time because they let their dick control their brain." He hums.

Sherlock growls at him and John's scared for half a second, "You're saying you didn't mean any of it?"

John sighs and tries to wiggle away, but Sherlock's grip is too strong, "No, I'm saying that once upon a time I could have meant it, but now it means nothing to me." He shrugs and then suddenly warm, wet lips are on his. He kisses back for three seconds before he's turning his head to the side, "Sherlock stop!" He swallows and squeezes his eyes shut.

Sherlock doesn't stop. He kisses down his neck and tugs at his shirt. He wants him – no, he needs him... and he needs John to see that it's okay to let go and to be with him.

John doesn't see and he doesn't want to see. Things are different now. He pushes at Sherlock, but Sherlock is surprisingly strong. He tries to escape and it doesn't work so John yanks his hand free and punches him in the face. He doesn't avoid the nose and teeth this time... "I SAID STOP SHERLOCK!" He screams and his chest is heaving. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"What the hell is wrong with me?" Sherlock groans as he holds his face in his hands, blood is gushing out, but John doesn't make an effort to help him. "What the hell is wrong with _you_?"

John clenches his jaw and doesn't say anything. It hurts him too much.

"I love you, John! There I finally fucking said it! Is that what you want to hear? That you made a sociopath fall for you? That I think of ways to make you smile every second of every day because seeing you sad physically pains me! That I want to wake up next to you every single morning! I want to get into silly little fights where you storm out of the flat, but come back because you can't stay away and then we would fall in bed together and make love as we apologised! I want to cuddle with you on the couch and watch crap telly! I look at you and her together and it pains me, but at the same time I want you to be happy because your happiness comes first. I would give up everything in my life if it meant that you would be happy! And that terrifies me." Sherlock chokes out and wills himself not to cry. He will not let John see him so vulnerable.

John shakes his head and stares at him, "I'm getting married Sherlock! Do you not understand that? You know, I think coming here was a bad idea! I'm sorry I bothered you!" He stormed for the door and stopped. "I'm fucking pissed at you... and I don't think I'll ever get over it to be honest, but I would like you to come to my wedding... after that I don't want to see you again." He wants to... He wants to so badly, but this is for the best.

"Oh!" Sherlock gasps some and laughs as the tears finally slip from his eyes, "Right so you just want me to see you get married and then have me get the hell out of your life. I'm sorry John, but I can't do that. That's asking far too much. You're happiness will _always _come first, but don't think that that means I want to be there to see you happy with someone else and then not be able to see you ever again!"

"You're full of shit. You're a selfish prick and I know for a fact that you don't care about my happiness unless my happiness is revolving around you! You wouldn't even be able to function without me by your side!" John hisses at him.

"I'm quite sure I could. I spent three years without you and I will gladly spend the rest of my life without you there! I don't need you! In fact you slow me down quite a bit. These feelings are tedious. The faster you're out of my life the better." He growls back, but his heart was breaking. 'Stay... please... just please... _stay._'

John wants to scream, but he doesn't, "Fuck off, Sherlock Holmes!" He growls instead. 'I'm sorry. I can't.' And with that John leaves.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

John stands in front of the full length mirror and swallows. He can't do this... he can't go through with it... not because he doesn't want to, but because he's so damn scared he's going to fuck something up. He turns to Greg who's sitting in a chair, "I'm going to throw up..." He whispers and meets his gaze in the mirror.

Greg smirks and stands up to go help John with his tie, "Oh stop it. You'll be fine." He hums as he straightens the tie and then stands back a bit.

John gave him a tight smile as he nods and looks down. The silence seems to drag on and on until John speaks again, "Think he'll come?"

Greg sighs and looks at him with sad eyes, "He's Sherlock... You can't predict things with him."

John nods slowly and plays with the bottom of his tux. They both knew that he isn't coming and that practically kills John. Though, in fairness he was the reason for it, "Mary's pregnant..." He whispers quietly and he won't meet Greg's eyes.

Greg swears under his breath and he's certain that John didn't hear, but he's wrong. He still forces a smile and places a hand on John's shoulder, "Congratulations."

John breaths a laugh and shrugs his hand off his shoulder, "Thanks... though I wanted to tell Sherlock... I don't think he's coming."

Greg was about to say something in reply, but the door opens telling them it's time to go.

John straightens his body and walks out to the alter to wait for his wife to be.

~O~

Even though Sherlock didn't show up to the wedding John still had an amazing evening. He is marrying a woman who he loves most in this world. Sure, he loves Sherlock more, but with time he was certain that would change. He held his wife close as he dances with her across the floor. He kisses her gently and tells her that she is the only one he has eyes for. She believes him because why would they be here if he was lying?

Soon it was time to leave and John and Mary climb into the back of a limo that will take them off to Heathrow Airport to take them to their honeymoon.

They spend two weeks in Aruba in a private cabana on the beach. John makes love to her as much as he can and they go out on the town at night. He hardly thinks about Sherlock and that makes everything easier. He can feel himself falling more in love with her as each day passes and he is so relieved by that, that he takes her under the stars on their last night, he lays a blanket down on the sand, and he makes love to her once again.

By the end of it he doesn't think that he has had so much sex in his life. Mary makes a joke about it saying that they'll end up with twins if he keeps it up... They do.

~O~

At first the two boys are a handful, but John loves them so much he doesn't even care. Hamish and Ryder are his little angels. They are identical in almost every way, but John has no problem telling them apart. Sometimes when he has too much time on his hands he wishes Sherlock could see them, but for the most part he forgets about Sherlock. Because that's what he has to do. He can't look back onto a past he once had. It's too painful. He beams with pride as Ryder takes his first steps. He runs to him and picks him up. He spins him around and kisses him, "That's such a big boy!" He grins.

Hamish glares at the fact that his brother is getting all the attention and not him. He whines and then starts to cry... oh, but he's smart. He's not really crying. Just pretending and when he thinks his father isn't looking he peeks one eye open and looks at John.

John's heart melts. It always does and sometimes he just knows that he made the right choice to leave Sherlock, Not that they were ever together... but Sherlock couldn't give him children. That's what he tells himself anyway and it's enough to get him through the day.

He walks over to Hamish and picks him up as well, "Hey now." He hums.

Hamish just giggles and wraps his little arms around John's neck and yawns sleepily. Mary watches from the couch and her heart swells.

~O~

A couple of more years pass and the boys are four and John goes to put both of the boys in bed. He tucks them in and reads to them, just like he always does. He tells them stories of a mad man and a blogger, running through the streets and saving London from the bad guys. 'Heroes' Hamish will call them, and John just shakes his head slowly with a small smile on his face, "The mad man would disagree with you." Hamish huffs because he's stubborn and Ryder looks up at him with big eyes, "Just because he can't see it doesn't mean it's true..." John has to chuckle softly. He is way too smart for his age, "Suppose so." He kisses their foreheads and lays with them.

John comes back a couple of minutes later and cuddles up next to Mary. He hums and kisses her neck. He may have loved Sherlock more long ago, but with each day that passes he falls more and more in love with this woman. He takes her to bed and lays next to her. They don't have sex... they just lay next to each other and hold hands.

They are silent until Mary finally speaks up and looks at him, "Do you miss him?" She whispers and kisses his hand.

"Who?" John plays dumb, but he knows, that she knows, that he knows who she's talking about.

"John..." She sighs softly.

He swallows and nods slowly, "Sometimes I do..." He says quietly.

She nods slowly and was silent for so long John thought that that was the end, but it wasn't, "I know you slept with him... After you proposed to me..."

John freezes and swallows hard, "Mary..."

"I'm not mad... I was at first... I was so mad with you John, but... you chose me. I suppose that means something doesn't it...?"

He held her close and ran his fingers through her hair. He had no idea what to say, but Mary wasn't done.

"I went to go see Sherlock... you and him hadn't spoken in months... you were angry all the time and were always snapping at me. I– I just wanted to know what happened... However, when I was let in by Mrs. Hudson you were already there... I could hear you two fighting. I heard the whole thing... I know he kissed you and that you told him to stop and then I left. For all I know you had sex with him again, but that was also the last time you saw him. So I don't know." She whispers.

"It didn't... I didn't sleep with him again. I wanted to be with you, Mary. I chose you. Not seeing him again was just a consequence to that." He says quietly and kisses her head.

Mary put her hand on his chest and nods slowly, "I love you." She whispers quietly.

"Oh Mary, I love you too." He said softly and kisses her lips, "So much."

~O~

Three years pass and John hasn't seen Sherlock in eight years. Some days are easier than others, but he knows he'll make it. His little boys are growing up right in front of his eyes and that kills him, but it also makes him extremely proud at the same time. Life is happening and he is so glad of the choice he made. Tonight is their anniversary and John plans to take Mary to a new restaurant opening in town.

They get a babysitter and go to dinner and John laughs. He loves this woman so much. Far more than he ever loved Sherlock now. Though, he supposes it's because him and Sherlock never got this chance.

The two of them have a lovely dinner and John takes her to a fancy hotel after. He lays her down on the bed and climbs on top of her. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom, but then bites his lip. "I want another one..." He whispers and hands her the condom.

She looks at it and gasps softly, "What do you want me to do with this?" He whispers back.

"I want another one..." He whispers again softly, "Hell, maybe we'll get two again... but..." He pauses and kisses her once, "What do you want? I gave that to you so that you can decide whether you want to put it on me or not. This night is all about you Mary and no matter the choice – no matter what you want... I will be happy." He says quietly and smiles down at her.

Mary was still for a minute before dropping the small package on the ground, "I want to feel just you inside of me." She breathes.

He smiles brightly at her and dips his head to kiss her passionately.

~O~

Mary has four miscarriages and John is angry. He is livid. Not at her, never her. He thinks something is wrong with him. He knows that that's silly, but it's just how he feels. They fight a lot more and one day John just storms out. He goes to a motel and on the way he bumps into someone, "Watch it!" He hisses and keeps going. The stranger mumbles an apology and then leaves quickly.

Mary and him have just stopped trying. The last miscarriage she had was especially hard on her... so now, on the seldom chances they get, John wears a condom. It's not that they don't get a lot of chances to be intimate, but ever since she started miscarrying the babies they don't really want sex – well, John doesn't want sex. He has no idea what Mary wants and he doesn't care. He knows it's selfish of him, but he's hurting.

He stays in the motel for a week and then decides he can't be away from his children any longer so he comes home.

~O~

Mary is pregnant. She can feel it, but she won't tell John. That will just hurt him more and she's losing him. She knows that. Ryder asked her just the other day why mummy and daddy are fighting so much. He's nine... He shouldn't have to be worrying about all of that... Mary tells him it's fine even though she knows it's not. She tries to talk to John, but he won't listen. He never does really. She wants her husband back and she doesn't think that she's going to get him... and that absolutely kills her.

~O~

John sleeps in a different bed now. He hates himself for it and his mind won't stop wandering back to Sherlock. He doesn't play with his kids anymore. He keeps calling in sick for work and when he does go in he's like a zombie. It's exactly like it was when Sherlock had left him. He's depressed and he knows it. He doesn't know why this is happening, but it hurts... He knows he's being immature and stubborn about this, but Mary keeps wanting to try and he just doesn't have the strength to watch what could be considered a miracle die right in front of him. He sees it all the time at work, but it's different when it's your wife – your future children!

Months pass and he hasn't talked to Mary or the kids... he just stays in his room – well, the guest room. He doesn't know how much time has passed since he last spoke with the kids or Mary, he hasn't been counting. And what a change that was. He sighs as rolls over and looks at the time. He wants tea... He slowly stands up and walks to the kitchen. It was late enough that everyone should be in bed and the lights were off. He flicks on the kitchen light and about has a heart attack when Mary is standing there, "Jesus! What are you doing?"

"Waiting for you..." She whispers, "You always get tea at this time of the night and I knew that if the lights were on you would go back to bed..."

He huffs and then turns around to leave.

"The boys miss you!" She calls out and swallows.

"Yes, well let them," He growls slightly and keeps walking.

"John!" She chokes out, "I'm– I'm pregnant..."

And he snaps. He turns around and runs at her pushing her up against the wall, "We haven't had sex in months!"

She whimpers and just lets him, "I know..."

"Don't lie to me Mary! You think a baby is going to save this marriage?"

Her heart breaks, "You think it needs saving...?" She swallows and looks away.

He lets out a bitter laugh, "What? And you don't? We aren't even a couple Mary! I haven't had sex with you in months and when we did I used a condom! So if you truly are pregnant then it isn't mine!"

"John!" She chokes, "Please! It didn't work! Maybe it broke or something... but I assure you that I haven't cheated on you... just... look at me, really look! Please!"

John is still for a few moments before he pulls away slowly and looks down at her stomach, it's poking out and he doesn't understand. "How far along are you?" He whispers.

"Five months... that's how long it's been since we have been intimate... that's how long it's been since you've stopped talking to me. John, please come back. The boys need you... _I _need you..." She searches his face and her heart is aching.

He nods slowly and then grabs her face and kisses her softly and sweetly, "I'm sorry." Maybe a baby was what he needed to save this marriage... he doesn't think too much about it though.

For the first time in months he sleeps in the same bed as Mary and it stays like that until the baby is born.

~O~

Mary wakes up in the middle of the night sobbing, "John! John! Wake up! It's time!"

John jolts awake, terrified that they lost the baby again. He looks Mary over and realises that it was just the opposite... she was in labour. He tells her to stay calm and takes her to the hospital. She's in labour for three hours before finally she pushes out a beautiful baby girl. John cries and holds Mary's hand as Mary holds the baby.

Mary is drenched in sweat, but doesn't care. She smiles down at her beautiful daughter, "What should we name her?" She whispers to John.

John smiles softly and runs his hands through Mary's hair, "Amelia..." He whispers.

Mary smiles brightly and looks up at her lover, "Amelia it is then."

~O~

And so a year passes and they celebrate Amelia's birthday. She mashes cake on her face and John frets about the carpet. Mary just rolls her eyes at him and tells him to take a chill pill it will be fine, but it's not fine is it? No, because his little girl is growing up and he's terrified.

That night John holds Mary in his arms and kisses her head, "I was thinking that we should go to Disneyworld with the kids."

Mary is quiet for a moment, "Maybe we should wait... Amelia won't even remember it if we were to go now..."

He sighs and closes his eyes, "Very well, Dear." And with that he falls asleep.

~O~

Sherlock walks into the crime scene and looks at the body. He stands up and walks to Greg, "It was Kyle Lands. He'll be at his flat now and will be leaving tonight so I suggest you hurry." He says and then starts to walk away, but Greg catches his arm.

"It's been eleven years, Sherlock... I've talked to your brother... Mrs. Hudson... I've seen you myself and you don't talk unless you have to... He isn't coming back and you need to let that go... maybe you should see someone?" He says softly. He hates doing this, but his friend isn't the same man he once was.

Sherlock's jaw clenches and he tries to pull his arm away, "This isn't about him!"

"Then what's it about?" Lestrade whispers.

"Why don't you just go fuck my brother and leave me alone!" He growls and finally tugs his arm free. His mind wanders to that night when John ran into him and yelled at him. He isn't happy where he is... Well, maybe he is and they were just going through a rough patch, but Sherlock knew in that moment that he would never see that man again... "I'm fine! I'm always fine! And if you think that that fucker had any effect on me than you are so wrong." He shoves Lestrade and then runs away.

However, Lestrade knows Sherlock and he knows that this behaviour isn't okay... Sherlock's hurting and he doesn't know how to stop it and that practically kills him.


End file.
